Michael Marley
6/26/2007
"Black people go to court lookng for justice, look around...what do you see, JUST US." -- RICHARD PRYOR
"Down at the Halls Of Justice, the only justice is in the halls."--LENNY BRUCE.
My favorite lawyers of all time are the real Edward Bennett Williams and the fictional Arthur Kirkland as played by Al Pacino. Kirkland is as fictional as "Fantasy Island" and as fictional as American justice can often be. Consider this dialogue from "And Justice For All":
DA Bowers: [jumping up and staying up] Your Honor! The State demands a retrial!!
Arthur Kirkland: That man is a slime! He is a slime! If he's allowed to go free, something really wrong is going on here!
Judge Rayford: Mr. Kirkland, you are out of order!! [gavels for quiet]
Arthur Kirkland: You're out of order! You're out of order! The whole trial is out of order! [indicates the gallery which is up in arms by this point] They're out of order! That man, that sick, crazy depraved man...
Judge Rayford: All right, clear the courtroom! Clear the courtroom!
[He continues banging the gavel as the bailiffs begin to clear the court and the jury begins filing out)]
Arthur Kirkland: ...raped and beat that woman there, and HE'D LIKE TO DO IT AGAIN! He told me so! [trying to get the attention of the last jurors, who are now fleeing the jury box as the bailiffs grab Kirkland] It's just a show! It's a show! It's "Let's Make a Deal!" Let's make a deal! [The bailiffs drag Kirkland past DA Bowers' table] Hey, Frank, you wanna make a deal? I got an insane judge who likes to beat the shit out of women! Whaddaya want to give me, Frank? Three weeks probation?
DA Bowers: Dammit, Kirkland!
Judge Rayford: [gavelling crazily] Order! Order! Order in this courtroom!
Arthur Kirkland: [to his client, Fleming, who glowers at him] You sonofabitch, you! You're supposed to stand for something! You're supposed to protect people! But instead you fucking murder them! You killed McCullough!!
Judge Rayford: [continuing to gavel] I've had enough! Get him out of here!! [The bailiffs are now carrying Kirkland out the doors]
Arthur Kirkland: You killed him! Hold it! Hold it! I just completed my opening statement!!
[as the doors close and the crowd goes wild...]
It has come to my attention that Manny Pacquaio is determined to become a barrister after he is done with his boxing career. That’s all well and good and he may save a lot of money on law school tuition if he pays close attention to all the depositions, sworn statements, hearings and trials he has been and will be involved in with all the litigation swirling about him and his numerous “chosen promoters.”
I love Megamanny so I thought I would help him out with an elementary primer of legal terms and phrases he is likely to encounter as a plaintiff, a defendant or as an attorney.
Herewith is Marley’s Megamanny Legal Terms Primer.
MR. GREEN HASN’T SHOWN UP: What the unpaid or underpaid lawyer says to his friendly judge, wink-wink, to let the judge always a former lawyer) know that the lawyer does not wish to proceed further unless and until the client starts paying.
TESTILYING: A way of answering questions while under oath that does not come anywhere close to providing the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
ON APPEAL: The cry of the sore loser who got his clock cleaned at trial. Almost always, that of a wealthy sore loser.
BILLABLE HOUR: Includes your attorney’s surfing lessons at Malibu Beach although the lawyer usually pays for his wife and kids “hang ten” lessons. What’s the legal basis? Riding the wild waves gives your lawyer insights into the emotional waves that jurors may be transmitting during trial testimony.
JURY SELECTION: About as reliable as scientific as that last eight-spot keno ticket you bought at the Lady Luck in Vegas.
JURY OF YOUR PEERS: Retired people who have nothing else to do, dummies who can’t come up with a plausible excuse to shirk their civic duty and semi-literates who couldn’t tell the difference between Johnnie Cochran and Floyd Mayweather Sr.
VOIR DIRE: Even French legal scholars are not sure what this means but most lawyers will tell you it is something judges are trying to cut down to about two rounds of five minutes duration each. You will find most judges prefer the sound of their own voice to that of anyone else.
WITH ALL DUE RESPECT: What the lawyer says to the judge who is repeatedly sandbagging him. This is a nice way of telling the judge that he or should try to commit an anatomically impossible act upon his or her own body.
COUNSELOR: Usually used by cops who are well-versed in testilying. This is a defective detective’s way of making it clear that he considers the attorney cross-examining him to be a total, as they say in Chicago, “jagoff.”
OBJECTION OVERRULED: How the judge tells your lawyer to shut up and sit down.
OBJECTION SUSTAINED: You will hear this after about 98 objections by your lawyer are overruled. It is the judge’s way of tossing a peanut to your attorney but, more importantly, also a way to avoid being overturned on appeal.
COURT OFFICERS: Forget jury selection gurus and their high fees. Nobody hears as much testimony or sees as many hearings as trials as these jaded folks. Want to know how the jury is leaning? Survey them and trust no one else.
MAY IT PLEASE THE COURT: Outside the courtroom, this would be known by its more common name, begging
BUT YOUR HONOR: Shameless begging.
MY LEARNED ADVERSARY: How your lawyer refers to the putz you are battling and who your lawyer completely loathes.
I WILL TAKE THIS UNDER ADVISEMENT: Judge telling your lawyer that he or she will rule against you but trying to make it look “judicial” by letting you know that the following day. It’s “objection overruled” on a delayed basis.
So there you go, Megamanny. Please send any questions or comments to mlcmarley@aol.com
